The Recollections of Devon McWife and the various adventures of McNarcissus and McFuge and other nefarious characters

My life has become a sorry state. I'm thousands of miles from home and all I do is sit in bars and pubs with a couple of unsavoury expats. Not that I drink. I drink cola, nothing stronger. Sometimes a lemonade, but no fernet, vodka or even beer. I'm sure if I had a beer I'd find it hard to stop, and that's something I can't explain to Jeff or Matt, they wouldn't understand. They'd shout "have another pivo, kurva!" or some such stuff. And the local drunks would cheer, and buy them a round of schnapps.

I should be in my room messing around on my laptop. Or working on my lesson plans. I feel naked when I walk into the classroom without doing any prep work. It's against my religion, except I'm not religious!The here and now is what is important, and what needs to be appreciated. I tried to explain this to Jeff and Matt but they didn't understand.

"It's wonderful being out in the fields, or up a mountain with only your laptop for company. You can look at the flowers and savour them for what they are then write about them on your blog. That's when I feel alive!"

Jeff looked at Matt strangely, then Matt looked at Jeff strangely. They clearly thought Devon was weird.

"Take your laptop into the fields!Ha, how odd."

"You can look at each flower, and see the beauty in each petal. It's wonderful."

"But what's your laptop got to do with it?"

"I can't go anywhere without my laptop."

Jeff came to Devon's defence:

"Yes, I can see where you're coming from. It's because we're both Americans, you know. English folks are just not up to date with the latest technology. Matt would probably take his quill with ink and parchment into the fields."

"Nothing wrong with a good old biro."

"See, just as I thought."

Jeff had an annoying habit of making definitive statements like that. He might as well have said quod erat demonstrandum, but at least it was at the Englishman's expense.

"Have another beer, kurva. Dve piva, prosim."

Thank goodness he didn't order me a beer, but where is my Cola? Stupid young kids they'll realise when they get older that you can't drink 10 pints of beer every night, then they'll be like me and drink water and Coke.

"No, he doesn't drink. Yeah, I know very strange. Zena? He he, she says you're a zena, a woman. Oh, what's that? Yes, even a woman drinks a small beer, but he just drinks soda. Not even a woman."

I could feel my blood rising, my anger boiling, but what could I do about it. I looked at my two drunken companions and realised I couldn't be physical. Besides they were popular because they drank, so all the other drunks would come to their defence, but I was alone and weak. I felt small next to them. All I had was my laptop and sense of decency.

I would leave and go back to my lesson plans.

I should have left earlier. It was so noisy and smoky in Praded that it's difficult to remember what happened first. I was sober, but looking back I felt drunk. I don't think I've explained it very well, and that's not something I'm comfortable with. Like that time that I mentioned to Jeff and Matt about burning the American flag. Jeff took the opposite stance to me as if I'd threatened to end his way of life. Matt was non-committal, but that was what was so annoying about him. As though he was afraid to take up any point of view for fear of insulting someone.

"You what, I don't believe it! That's the problem with effing liberals like you. You should be rounded up and put in jail - that'd make you think again."

"Not that I would burn the American flag, I'm just saying that people have every right to do such a thing since we live in a free country. That is what separates us from the communists. Freedom. And with freedom comes certain rights -like burning the flag. It's just a flag after all, just made out of material and such so I don't understand the problem with it."

"It is a symbol of all that is right and good about America. I know that sounds corny, but it is more than just an object. People go out every day and put their life on the line in the name of the flag, and don't you forget it."

It was no good, the conversation went round in a circle. I was being deliberately provocative, but I did believe in freedom and for me that represented the ultimate freedom. There was no way that I could explain that to Jeff though. And Matt just sat there, sipped his beer, and said, "well, I can see your point of view but burning something like that does seem a little over the top..." After this point our relationship went downhill. I was not sad, but they were the only other native English speakers in town so we saw each other quite a lot more after this, but there was always friction and I was relieved when we went our separate ways.

My relationship with Jeff had started out promisingly enough. At least I thought so - we were Americans abroad, so we bonded. He used to come round a lot and watch satellite tv. I had Sky news and CNN and other channels in a common room in my building. Jeff used to come round and watch CNN mostly. It probably helped him get over his homesickness. Jeff was fine when he was alone, but when Matt was around he became annoying. And, so his visits to my building became less frequent, and soon we only seemed to meet in pubs. And Jeff and beer didn't mix very well. I tried to tell him not to drink, but he wouldn't listen and just made fun of me.

First of all there was an almighty commotion at the piano. A drunk closing the lid on another drunk's fingers. Not that he could play very well, no one could really hear him anyway. Then they're pushing and fighting and throwing beer. I should have left five minutes earlier. Then, all of a sudden a drunk is squaring up to Jeff. They are face to face over a beer-stained table. All I want to do is get out of there as quickly as possible, and to look through my English textbooks. There is blood in the other man's hand, and what looks like blood on Jeff's leather jacket. I've no idea what has just happened. Then Matt is in the middle of them - stupid Englishman he'll get himself hurt. And then all of a sudden it calms down - except for the commotion around the piano, but by this time I have sidled past the lot of them and escaped onto the street.